Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Why can't women get along?
I've been thinking about this for a long time now. Why can't women support each other more? I feel that women, especially in a corporate setting or when establishing social mores or tradition, are anti-feminist. People have bandied about the phrase that women are each others' worst enemies. In some ways, I think it's true.
Let's take the corporate setting - do you see women interacting with each other the way men in an office do? Women are more likely to form cliques at the expense of other women. I may be wrong, but I didn't find that in my male counterparts. Women are also more competitive with each other, instead of being more competitive regardless of gender.
How many female managers out there think first of hiring a woman if a position opens up? How many female bosses are detested by their female underlings? I'm not saying men automatically do this, but I feel that we have so much to overcome (tradition, stereotype, etc) that we have to consciously think about doing this, or we lapse back into behavior that has been conditioned over generations.
In a social setting, many women lament every now and then about Indian social norms or traditions that are so antiquated and facially discriminatory against women. But few of us sit back and question them. Especially since most of these customs and traditions are enforced by older women in the family.
One of these stereotypes that I absolutely detest, but I can't seem to shake it off, is where the success or failure of a family or a relationship is attributed to the woman. Our mothers (older women, grandmothers, mothers-in-law, aunts, older cousins, etc) tell us that we should be the ones to adjust, we should accommodate, give in, keep quiet, not have an ego, not be controlling, etc... The list goes on and on.
But, has any one of our mothers (used loosely based on the list above) told us that they support our opinions, our independence, our ability to earn money, manage our lives and families with relative success, that we are great multi-taskers, we cook, we clean, we provide emotional support, create life, etc. Have any of our mothers said "hats off to you - you superwoman."
The short answer is no. They expect us to do this, because they did this. This is their worldview and they've raised us to be like them, and they've raised our men to be like our fathers - being waited on, served, respected, feared, etc.
Women who are aggressive, are called bitches. Men, are go-getters. Women who are controlling are seen as ice-queens or as anti-feminine. Men who are controlling are CEOs, patriachs of families. Surprisingly, most of the name calling comes from us. When it doesn't come from us, we are complacent. Some of us laugh, some squirm, but nobody reacts. We accept our place in society - second to men...
We do this to ourselves. We let ourselves be treated this way, we let ourselves be subservient to our better halves for various reasons, but we're letting ourselves down. I don't think it's great that Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin have risen so high in the political landscape. I think it's a shame that we didn't let them rise sooner. How many Hillaries have given up and gone home?
So what should we do? We can start by learning to see other women as friends, instead of adversaries. We can prevent our families and friends from using denigrating terms for other women. We can consciously support women in business, arts and politics. We can create forums for women to meet for fun, or for any other agenda. We can learn to put ourselves first. We can teach our daughters that they have no superiors, only equals. We can do so much. We already do so much. It's time to take a little credit for it...
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Bobby, what you describe in this post is something I have often wondered about. Why are women so hard on women? Its not even about strangers anymore. Why cant we give our mothers, our sisters, our grandmamas a break? You're right; we need to make a conscious effort!
I hear you! I wonder if it is a psychological trait - where the class itself has been oppressed for so long that they turn on themselves... That would be interesting research. I'm going to ask my friends about it. Thanks for your comment! :0)
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