Monday, May 22, 2006
Cultural Etiquette
Is there such a thing as universal etiquette, or does each region, each country, perhaps have its culture predominate socially acceptable rules of behavior? Universal etiquette to me is equivalent to personal hygiene – covering your mouth when you sneeze or cough, washing your hands after using the bathroom, etc, to prevent the spread of germs – but it’s surprising how little of it is practiced in India. To some, universal etiquette is an option, but in reality, it is not, it is a necessity. How do you teach a country like India universal etiquette? If taught in schools, it becomes an elitist issue – an issue that the common man can’t possibly be worried about, because he or she is too busy trying to make ends meet. Unless there is a base of universal etiquette, it becomes very hard to build layers of cultural etiquette, as is the expected norm of behavior in countries like the U.S.
Cultural etiquette is specific to each region/country and it is evidence of the unspoken code of behavior – behavior in public that if not followed, is severely frowned upon, or commented on snidely. One example of this is cutting a line. There is a line in the U.S. for any and every thing, if more than one person is waiting for the same thing. Along with the “first come” first to stand in line mentality, the concept of “personal space” is also a very American phenomenon. Anyone living here for a few years treasures this space around their bodies that if crossed by someone rude enough to do so, violates their sense of security and privacy. There is an invisible boundary separating one person from the next and it grows onto people like second skin. I remember waiting in line to receive a friend at the airport in Hyderabad, a little away from the barriers and the throngs of people ahead. Yet, when people started streaming out, I got pushed to the middle of the crowd by those behind me, and that experience of being jostled, of my personal space being trampled upon, was claustrophobic.
Another habit, which I think a lot of Indians have, is to cut people off during a conversation. For me, at least, this was a way of communicating. It was how we talked in a group and if you’re point was important enough or if you were loud enough, you could get through and stop the other person in their tracks. Here, however, cutting a person of is incredibly rude and I learnt it the hard way, after picking up the cues left by rude glances. The cultural etiquette in the U.S. is to wait for the person to finish and then to quickly jump into the conversation while making sure you were quick enough to not cut someone who was just starting. Eventually, with a little practice, it will start to be very natural and with a little time, you may even listen to what the other person is saying, before trying to cut it with your opinion.
There is some controversy, even here, as to whether men still have to hold the door open for women. With the advent of women’s lib, many women scoff at the idea of having a man open the door or hold the door open, however, if a man and a woman approach the door at the same time, it is common for the man to go ahead and open the door for the woman to enter first, or apply the reverse, on the way out. I still remember very clearly, when I was exiting the building with a group of people from India and I was behind a gentleman who opened the door ahead of me. As he passed through, I expected him to hold the door open for me and I was shocked as the door slammed, inches from my nose. At first, I was shocked, wondering why this person was so rude to me and then I realized that he probably had no clue. It was something that was new to him, something that he picked up for the rest of his stay in the U.S.
A trait that some of my friends in India find annoying is my saying “thank you” for every little thing and to everybody. Again, this is something that I picked up as an acceptable social norm, ingrained in me from living in the U.S. for a long time. My friends in India think I am being too formal, or that this is the U.S. part of me, but I like the fact that I’m not taking people for granted, that I don’t lose anything by saying it.
While there are many more unwritten cultural norms that vary based on the number of people around or whether it is a big city or a small community, these norms help ease the stress of social situations and expectations, especially to those who are new to the area. Some may find them to be pretentious, but at their core, they are just unwritten rules that ask you to respect the person next to you, as much as you would respect yourself. Surprisingly, we (new immigrants) are the ones that are slowly eroding these customs either with our lack of enthusiasm in following them or with our ignorance. Whether that is a good thing or bad, time will tell…
Cultural etiquette is specific to each region/country and it is evidence of the unspoken code of behavior – behavior in public that if not followed, is severely frowned upon, or commented on snidely. One example of this is cutting a line. There is a line in the U.S. for any and every thing, if more than one person is waiting for the same thing. Along with the “first come” first to stand in line mentality, the concept of “personal space” is also a very American phenomenon. Anyone living here for a few years treasures this space around their bodies that if crossed by someone rude enough to do so, violates their sense of security and privacy. There is an invisible boundary separating one person from the next and it grows onto people like second skin. I remember waiting in line to receive a friend at the airport in Hyderabad, a little away from the barriers and the throngs of people ahead. Yet, when people started streaming out, I got pushed to the middle of the crowd by those behind me, and that experience of being jostled, of my personal space being trampled upon, was claustrophobic.
Another habit, which I think a lot of Indians have, is to cut people off during a conversation. For me, at least, this was a way of communicating. It was how we talked in a group and if you’re point was important enough or if you were loud enough, you could get through and stop the other person in their tracks. Here, however, cutting a person of is incredibly rude and I learnt it the hard way, after picking up the cues left by rude glances. The cultural etiquette in the U.S. is to wait for the person to finish and then to quickly jump into the conversation while making sure you were quick enough to not cut someone who was just starting. Eventually, with a little practice, it will start to be very natural and with a little time, you may even listen to what the other person is saying, before trying to cut it with your opinion.
There is some controversy, even here, as to whether men still have to hold the door open for women. With the advent of women’s lib, many women scoff at the idea of having a man open the door or hold the door open, however, if a man and a woman approach the door at the same time, it is common for the man to go ahead and open the door for the woman to enter first, or apply the reverse, on the way out. I still remember very clearly, when I was exiting the building with a group of people from India and I was behind a gentleman who opened the door ahead of me. As he passed through, I expected him to hold the door open for me and I was shocked as the door slammed, inches from my nose. At first, I was shocked, wondering why this person was so rude to me and then I realized that he probably had no clue. It was something that was new to him, something that he picked up for the rest of his stay in the U.S.
A trait that some of my friends in India find annoying is my saying “thank you” for every little thing and to everybody. Again, this is something that I picked up as an acceptable social norm, ingrained in me from living in the U.S. for a long time. My friends in India think I am being too formal, or that this is the U.S. part of me, but I like the fact that I’m not taking people for granted, that I don’t lose anything by saying it.
While there are many more unwritten cultural norms that vary based on the number of people around or whether it is a big city or a small community, these norms help ease the stress of social situations and expectations, especially to those who are new to the area. Some may find them to be pretentious, but at their core, they are just unwritten rules that ask you to respect the person next to you, as much as you would respect yourself. Surprisingly, we (new immigrants) are the ones that are slowly eroding these customs either with our lack of enthusiasm in following them or with our ignorance. Whether that is a good thing or bad, time will tell…
Thursday, May 04, 2006
What women want...
Recently, a friend commented that it appeared that divorce rates in India among younger couples were sky-rocketing. While I don’t know if this is true statistically, I know that I’ve heard of more than one instance where a friend’s friend or a neighbor’s cousin was going through divorce. The topic is still hush-hush enough to be taboo, but once it’s out, no one seems to care. So why is it that many young couples, including those who had a “love marriage” head down the rocky road of divorce?
The answer to me is because a lot of men don’t understand what women want. Men spend countless hours wondering if these innocuous looking words hold the key to life’s greatest happiness. The answer is yes. Mahatma Gandhi said that the measure of a country’s greatness should be based on how well it treats its most vulnerable populations. To me, that includes women and minorities. As far as women are concerned, I’m not sure if I can rate India on this scale, given the history of discrimination and social pressure that Indian women are subjected to.
On a more positive note, times are changing. While some may say this shaking their heads, thinking of the good old days, others wear a smile, looking forward to more freedom and independence. You can tell a person’s age by their take on whether India is losing its culture and traditions to the West. People who agree tend to be older and they lament that the increased consumerism, the increase in exposure to western culture and the increase in opportunities and salaries are translating in direct proportion to a loss of traditional Indian values, especially in women.
Young women are entering the workforce in more numbers today, than in the past. Traditional social pressures about women staying home and taking care of the family are giving way to a pursuit of financial independence, given that women are capable, educated and willing to get out there and live life. There are fewer taboos holding them back and when opportunities come knocking, not many are willing to sit back in the shadows of the home.
Yet, some complain, that this has contributed greatly to the demise of martial bliss among younger couples. There is a conflict brewing among young men and women of Indian origin. I spoke to a group of young women recently in the U.S., all of them were of marriageable age and I asked them what they were looking for in a guy. These women are all working professionals, well educated, good looking and self-assured. They are, surprisingly, not ruling out the possibility of arranged marriages and are willing to meet guys that their parents recommend, but with the condition that they are only agreeing to meet them and talk to them, and not to marry them, at least not right away.
These women are looking for the right guys – Indian men, who like them are educated, working professionals who are good-looking, or at least reasonably so. They are quick to point out that they are looking for partners in a marriage and don’t want to become “slaves” to their husband or their husband’s families. They have equal opportunities for successful careers, equal potential for earning the same, if not more than the husband (although typically, men earn more than women in comparative positions), and they are driven by their career, ambitions and dreams.
To this, some women in India say that women are after all meant to be mothers and that they are to be the child-bearers and as a result, need to learn to sacrifice, compromise and adjust. It appears that young women of today are willing to do neither. The average man in a middle-class or higher society in India has been brought up by an adoring mother or grandmother, by a reverent following of sisters, older or younger and by society’s charm bestowed on the carrier of the family name and lineage. This young man grows up to expect more of the same and wants a woman that he marries to continue the lifestyle and expectations he was raised with.
When I was in India ten years ago, it was not uncommon to find working women who woke up much before dawn, cooked for the day, woke up their kids and their men, got everything ready for them and then headed off to work. This same woman would come home tired from a long day at work, would be expected to care for the kids, present a comforting presence to her man and take care of dinner, homework, errands, etc. Young women of today are not willing to be the “wife” of yester-years. They want the right to be lazy, the right to not cook every meal in the house, the right to sit back with their feet up, the right to be comforted, cajoled and fussed over and the right to take some time off from their daily chores if they wish. They expect that in this case, it should not be too much to ask for the man to sometimes make the coffee or breakfast, to do the dishes or the laundry, to wake the kids up and get them ready for school.
Who are we kidding though? Is this something that our men will do? The same men who are raised on the concept of “manly men,” the ones who don’t enter kitchens or laundry areas, the men who are labeled effeminate if they do anything remotely connected with a “female” job. Society, the movies and our “male-centric” culture has promoted this stereotype to no end, and sadly, our men now consider it gospel. Is it so hard to make life easy for someone you care about? Is it so hard to do the same amount of work as your partner, regardless of the difference in wages? Is it an “American” concept to work in your house, to do the dishes or laundry or to take care of your family? What women really want is for the concept of the stereotypical “Indian man” to be a thing of the past. Unfortunately, it appears resilient, even in our changing times…
