Thursday, May 04, 2006
What women want...
Recently, a friend commented that it appeared that divorce rates in India among younger couples were sky-rocketing. While I don’t know if this is true statistically, I know that I’ve heard of more than one instance where a friend’s friend or a neighbor’s cousin was going through divorce. The topic is still hush-hush enough to be taboo, but once it’s out, no one seems to care. So why is it that many young couples, including those who had a “love marriage” head down the rocky road of divorce?
The answer to me is because a lot of men don’t understand what women want. Men spend countless hours wondering if these innocuous looking words hold the key to life’s greatest happiness. The answer is yes. Mahatma Gandhi said that the measure of a country’s greatness should be based on how well it treats its most vulnerable populations. To me, that includes women and minorities. As far as women are concerned, I’m not sure if I can rate India on this scale, given the history of discrimination and social pressure that Indian women are subjected to.
On a more positive note, times are changing. While some may say this shaking their heads, thinking of the good old days, others wear a smile, looking forward to more freedom and independence. You can tell a person’s age by their take on whether India is losing its culture and traditions to the West. People who agree tend to be older and they lament that the increased consumerism, the increase in exposure to western culture and the increase in opportunities and salaries are translating in direct proportion to a loss of traditional Indian values, especially in women.
Young women are entering the workforce in more numbers today, than in the past. Traditional social pressures about women staying home and taking care of the family are giving way to a pursuit of financial independence, given that women are capable, educated and willing to get out there and live life. There are fewer taboos holding them back and when opportunities come knocking, not many are willing to sit back in the shadows of the home.
Yet, some complain, that this has contributed greatly to the demise of martial bliss among younger couples. There is a conflict brewing among young men and women of Indian origin. I spoke to a group of young women recently in the U.S., all of them were of marriageable age and I asked them what they were looking for in a guy. These women are all working professionals, well educated, good looking and self-assured. They are, surprisingly, not ruling out the possibility of arranged marriages and are willing to meet guys that their parents recommend, but with the condition that they are only agreeing to meet them and talk to them, and not to marry them, at least not right away.
These women are looking for the right guys – Indian men, who like them are educated, working professionals who are good-looking, or at least reasonably so. They are quick to point out that they are looking for partners in a marriage and don’t want to become “slaves” to their husband or their husband’s families. They have equal opportunities for successful careers, equal potential for earning the same, if not more than the husband (although typically, men earn more than women in comparative positions), and they are driven by their career, ambitions and dreams.
To this, some women in India say that women are after all meant to be mothers and that they are to be the child-bearers and as a result, need to learn to sacrifice, compromise and adjust. It appears that young women of today are willing to do neither. The average man in a middle-class or higher society in India has been brought up by an adoring mother or grandmother, by a reverent following of sisters, older or younger and by society’s charm bestowed on the carrier of the family name and lineage. This young man grows up to expect more of the same and wants a woman that he marries to continue the lifestyle and expectations he was raised with.
When I was in India ten years ago, it was not uncommon to find working women who woke up much before dawn, cooked for the day, woke up their kids and their men, got everything ready for them and then headed off to work. This same woman would come home tired from a long day at work, would be expected to care for the kids, present a comforting presence to her man and take care of dinner, homework, errands, etc. Young women of today are not willing to be the “wife” of yester-years. They want the right to be lazy, the right to not cook every meal in the house, the right to sit back with their feet up, the right to be comforted, cajoled and fussed over and the right to take some time off from their daily chores if they wish. They expect that in this case, it should not be too much to ask for the man to sometimes make the coffee or breakfast, to do the dishes or the laundry, to wake the kids up and get them ready for school.
Who are we kidding though? Is this something that our men will do? The same men who are raised on the concept of “manly men,” the ones who don’t enter kitchens or laundry areas, the men who are labeled effeminate if they do anything remotely connected with a “female” job. Society, the movies and our “male-centric” culture has promoted this stereotype to no end, and sadly, our men now consider it gospel. Is it so hard to make life easy for someone you care about? Is it so hard to do the same amount of work as your partner, regardless of the difference in wages? Is it an “American” concept to work in your house, to do the dishes or laundry or to take care of your family? What women really want is for the concept of the stereotypical “Indian man” to be a thing of the past. Unfortunately, it appears resilient, even in our changing times…
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great post, even though I disagree with a lot of your points. If you get a chance, check out my opposite perspective.
Great post. I completely agree with you Jaybad, and I have a suspicion that those who think there are no troubles in Indian marrying Indians have never really dealt with the issue of marriage. In fact, it's quite obvious they know nothing about it. Desi men have a LONG way to go--there I said it--hate me if you will. They have been primed by mothers/sisters/etc to think they are God's gift to humanity and even the most liberal of them don't quite grant their wives equal right to ambition, professional success, the right to be lazy (great point), and the right to autonomy. It's a life-long training in giving respect to someone else as an EQUAL, not about mouthing platitudes about equality and how liberal you are. How do I know this? I am about 20 years older than most bloggers I've encountered, married to a liberal Indian (who still doesn't get it), and the daughter of happily married parents who went through an arranged marriage forty five years ago. The arranged vs love stuff is bullshit--that's not the point at all. It's the negotiations between two equals that is difficult. If you've seen your mother take a subserviant role in the house, how on earth will you learn respect your wife when she presents opinions different from yours? And can Indian men stand the thought that she takes equal part in determining the priorities of life? I don't think so.
# posted by 
: 4:15 PM
: 4:15 PM
You're absolutely right. Once you are married, the burden of roles and expectations makes most Indian women the under-dog, even though their partners may not reinforce those roles or expectations.
It's tough... Do I act like an equal in marriage when my husband's parents are visiting? Can I make a choice in deciding how to raise children or will I be brow-beaten into a standard mould based on the social and unspoken pressure?
Some of these choices come back to haunt you, especially if attempts at asserting your individuality fails, but ultimately I guess it is what you are willing to settle for. Should I sit this one out and wait for a better battle or do I constantly wage war on my loved ones in order to prove a point? That is my dilemma...
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It's tough... Do I act like an equal in marriage when my husband's parents are visiting? Can I make a choice in deciding how to raise children or will I be brow-beaten into a standard mould based on the social and unspoken pressure?
Some of these choices come back to haunt you, especially if attempts at asserting your individuality fails, but ultimately I guess it is what you are willing to settle for. Should I sit this one out and wait for a better battle or do I constantly wage war on my loved ones in order to prove a point? That is my dilemma...
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