Monday, May 22, 2006
Cultural Etiquette
Is there such a thing as universal etiquette, or does each region, each country, perhaps have its culture predominate socially acceptable rules of behavior? Universal etiquette to me is equivalent to personal hygiene – covering your mouth when you sneeze or cough, washing your hands after using the bathroom, etc, to prevent the spread of germs – but it’s surprising how little of it is practiced in India. To some, universal etiquette is an option, but in reality, it is not, it is a necessity. How do you teach a country like India universal etiquette? If taught in schools, it becomes an elitist issue – an issue that the common man can’t possibly be worried about, because he or she is too busy trying to make ends meet. Unless there is a base of universal etiquette, it becomes very hard to build layers of cultural etiquette, as is the expected norm of behavior in countries like the U.S.
Cultural etiquette is specific to each region/country and it is evidence of the unspoken code of behavior – behavior in public that if not followed, is severely frowned upon, or commented on snidely. One example of this is cutting a line. There is a line in the U.S. for any and every thing, if more than one person is waiting for the same thing. Along with the “first come” first to stand in line mentality, the concept of “personal space” is also a very American phenomenon. Anyone living here for a few years treasures this space around their bodies that if crossed by someone rude enough to do so, violates their sense of security and privacy. There is an invisible boundary separating one person from the next and it grows onto people like second skin. I remember waiting in line to receive a friend at the airport in Hyderabad, a little away from the barriers and the throngs of people ahead. Yet, when people started streaming out, I got pushed to the middle of the crowd by those behind me, and that experience of being jostled, of my personal space being trampled upon, was claustrophobic.
Another habit, which I think a lot of Indians have, is to cut people off during a conversation. For me, at least, this was a way of communicating. It was how we talked in a group and if you’re point was important enough or if you were loud enough, you could get through and stop the other person in their tracks. Here, however, cutting a person of is incredibly rude and I learnt it the hard way, after picking up the cues left by rude glances. The cultural etiquette in the U.S. is to wait for the person to finish and then to quickly jump into the conversation while making sure you were quick enough to not cut someone who was just starting. Eventually, with a little practice, it will start to be very natural and with a little time, you may even listen to what the other person is saying, before trying to cut it with your opinion.
There is some controversy, even here, as to whether men still have to hold the door open for women. With the advent of women’s lib, many women scoff at the idea of having a man open the door or hold the door open, however, if a man and a woman approach the door at the same time, it is common for the man to go ahead and open the door for the woman to enter first, or apply the reverse, on the way out. I still remember very clearly, when I was exiting the building with a group of people from India and I was behind a gentleman who opened the door ahead of me. As he passed through, I expected him to hold the door open for me and I was shocked as the door slammed, inches from my nose. At first, I was shocked, wondering why this person was so rude to me and then I realized that he probably had no clue. It was something that was new to him, something that he picked up for the rest of his stay in the U.S.
A trait that some of my friends in India find annoying is my saying “thank you” for every little thing and to everybody. Again, this is something that I picked up as an acceptable social norm, ingrained in me from living in the U.S. for a long time. My friends in India think I am being too formal, or that this is the U.S. part of me, but I like the fact that I’m not taking people for granted, that I don’t lose anything by saying it.
While there are many more unwritten cultural norms that vary based on the number of people around or whether it is a big city or a small community, these norms help ease the stress of social situations and expectations, especially to those who are new to the area. Some may find them to be pretentious, but at their core, they are just unwritten rules that ask you to respect the person next to you, as much as you would respect yourself. Surprisingly, we (new immigrants) are the ones that are slowly eroding these customs either with our lack of enthusiasm in following them or with our ignorance. Whether that is a good thing or bad, time will tell…
Cultural etiquette is specific to each region/country and it is evidence of the unspoken code of behavior – behavior in public that if not followed, is severely frowned upon, or commented on snidely. One example of this is cutting a line. There is a line in the U.S. for any and every thing, if more than one person is waiting for the same thing. Along with the “first come” first to stand in line mentality, the concept of “personal space” is also a very American phenomenon. Anyone living here for a few years treasures this space around their bodies that if crossed by someone rude enough to do so, violates their sense of security and privacy. There is an invisible boundary separating one person from the next and it grows onto people like second skin. I remember waiting in line to receive a friend at the airport in Hyderabad, a little away from the barriers and the throngs of people ahead. Yet, when people started streaming out, I got pushed to the middle of the crowd by those behind me, and that experience of being jostled, of my personal space being trampled upon, was claustrophobic.
Another habit, which I think a lot of Indians have, is to cut people off during a conversation. For me, at least, this was a way of communicating. It was how we talked in a group and if you’re point was important enough or if you were loud enough, you could get through and stop the other person in their tracks. Here, however, cutting a person of is incredibly rude and I learnt it the hard way, after picking up the cues left by rude glances. The cultural etiquette in the U.S. is to wait for the person to finish and then to quickly jump into the conversation while making sure you were quick enough to not cut someone who was just starting. Eventually, with a little practice, it will start to be very natural and with a little time, you may even listen to what the other person is saying, before trying to cut it with your opinion.
There is some controversy, even here, as to whether men still have to hold the door open for women. With the advent of women’s lib, many women scoff at the idea of having a man open the door or hold the door open, however, if a man and a woman approach the door at the same time, it is common for the man to go ahead and open the door for the woman to enter first, or apply the reverse, on the way out. I still remember very clearly, when I was exiting the building with a group of people from India and I was behind a gentleman who opened the door ahead of me. As he passed through, I expected him to hold the door open for me and I was shocked as the door slammed, inches from my nose. At first, I was shocked, wondering why this person was so rude to me and then I realized that he probably had no clue. It was something that was new to him, something that he picked up for the rest of his stay in the U.S.
A trait that some of my friends in India find annoying is my saying “thank you” for every little thing and to everybody. Again, this is something that I picked up as an acceptable social norm, ingrained in me from living in the U.S. for a long time. My friends in India think I am being too formal, or that this is the U.S. part of me, but I like the fact that I’m not taking people for granted, that I don’t lose anything by saying it.
While there are many more unwritten cultural norms that vary based on the number of people around or whether it is a big city or a small community, these norms help ease the stress of social situations and expectations, especially to those who are new to the area. Some may find them to be pretentious, but at their core, they are just unwritten rules that ask you to respect the person next to you, as much as you would respect yourself. Surprisingly, we (new immigrants) are the ones that are slowly eroding these customs either with our lack of enthusiasm in following them or with our ignorance. Whether that is a good thing or bad, time will tell…
