Sunday, June 13, 2010
Starting from scratch, again...
My decision to reinvent myself as a lawyer was pretty successful, even with the geographical musical chairs between Santa Clara and Sac, a baby after my second year which delayed graduation by one semester, prepping for and passing (whew!) the California Bar Exam, and finding a state job as an attorney four months after I started my job search during this recession!
But, I did something not many would do. I quit after nine months on the job, three short months from completion of probation and becoming a permanent state employee. I didn't quit because of performance issues, I didn't quit to join another job and I didn't quit because I hated my job (au contraire!). I quit to be able to spend more time with my toddler and to provide her with mom's hands-on care. It was the right thing to do.
I struggled for the past few months with this decision. In my world, there appears to be a bright-line between moms who work and the SAHMs (Stay at home moms). There are divisive opinions on both sides as to who is a better mom. SAHMs think that it is imperative for moms to stay home, while working moms, think that the child gets a better perspective on life and its many demands, if children see their parents working and juggling family responsibilities from a young age.
Personally, I don't know if I fall into either of these categories. I greatly admire the women who are able to work and balance their lives, knowing how difficult it is to be a sane, functioning woman in the office, while madly juggling all the responsibilities of a home and a family. But, as I have found these past few weeks, being an SAHM is no picnic, either. There's always something to do, something to clean up, something to clear up, something to put away, in the few precious hours that there isn't a screaming child around, demanding your attention.
I think, ultimately, it comes down to what you are at peace with. While I valued the independence and authority I had at work, there was always a nagging thought at the back of my mind that I wasn't being the mom I knew I could be. I don't know if this is cultural thing, or a guilt thing, or what, but the thought persisted and echoed in the words of my toddler, who wanted me to stay with her and not go to the office, day in and day out.
After a few weeks of that, worn out and unhappy at both places, at home and at work, and with the support of my loved ones, I gave up trying to juggle both. For now, I am an SAHM. I know enough about myself that I will reinvent myself again, soon, but perhaps, everything I have achieved so far is a sign, saying that I am ready to view the world on my own terms. Perhaps, I don't have to have a title that designates and pins me down into some identifiable role. I'm not just a SAHM, or a worker bee. I am a bit of both, and more. I am whatever I want to be.
